Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of the them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."
The Saudi Ambassador to the U.N. has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets his American counterpart. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America" The American says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help you I will do." The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians and Blacks and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek." The American laughs and leans over. "That's because it takes place in the future."
A couple of Quickies for the Ladies~ The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other! DANGEROUS: What's for dinner? SAFER: Can I help you with dinner? SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner? ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. ************************* DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that? SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown! SAFEST: WOW! Look at you! ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate ************************** DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about? SAFER: Could we be overreacting? SAFEST: Here's my paycheck. ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. ************************** DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that? SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left. SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that? ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate. ****************************** DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day? SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today. SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe! ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate! ******************************* 13 Things PMS Stands For: 1. Pass My Shotgun 2. Psychotic Mood Shift 3. Perpetual Munching Spree 4 Puffy Mid-Section 5. People Make me Sick 6. Provide Me with Sweets 7. Pardon My Sobbing 8. Pimples May Surface 9. Pass My Sweat pants 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 11. Plainly; Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff and my favorite one ... 13. Potential Murder Suspect And remember: Money talks .... but Chocolate SINGS!!!
It was one week before finals and everyone in comparative religion class was frantic because of all the complex words and ideas they needed to know. The professor had just finished reviewing an Eastern concept he identified as Taoist, when a frazzled student protested, "But last week you said that was a Buddhist belief!" The professor looked up with an inscrutable expression. "Ah yes, but that was Zen. This is Tao."
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(priusguy04 @ Aug 30 2006, 05:16 AM) [snapback]311508[/snapback]</div> Why, thank you. I believe I will.
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Godiva @ Aug 30 2006, 08:21 PM) [snapback]312000[/snapback]</div> Hey Godiva--what took you so long?
BOOK REPORT English students at Sandhills Community College were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report: Titanic: $29.99 Clinton: $29.99 Titanic: Over 3 hours to read Clinton: Over 3 hours to read Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe. Titanic: Jack is a starving artist. Clinton: Bill is a bulls**t artist. Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar. Clinton: Ditto for Bill. Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined. Clinton: Ditto for Monica. Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit. Clinton: Let's not go there. Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts. Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life. Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember Jack. Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen. Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either. Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death. Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.
Is there a moral to this parable? Avoid bulls*it? Avoid forbidden love? Avoid large vessels full of seamen? Smoke something other than good cigars? Scotch-gard your dress? Vote fer Hilary? B)
<div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(Jack Kelly @ Sep 2 2006, 02:14 PM) [snapback]313170[/snapback]</div> Hmmmm...Lessee...given THOSE choices... I vote for avoid bulls**t and use scotchguard. B) (And "forbidden love..."--by whose standards? )
Paddy and Sean were working across the street from a house of ill repute when Paddy saw the Protestant minister checking for roving eyes as he entered it. "Oh Sean," he cried, "see the black heretic on his way to perdition!" A little later Sean spied the town's rabbi slowly edging his way toward the side door. "Paddy," he said,"behold the sad result of a life without the guidance of the Blessed Virgin!" An hour after this the local priest walked up to the front door, knocked on it with a catchy beat and was greated by the Madam with a big smile. "Saint's preserve us," Paddy blurted with tears in his eyes. "Tessie must have taken a turn for the worst and Father Flynn is here for the last rites."
