ALABAMA – Our state bird is the NASCAR. ALASKA - I can see seasonal depression disorder from here. ARIZONA - Keeping Indians in and Mexicans out. ARKANSAS – Great scenery, brilliant peopl- Sorry. We’ve got Walmart? CALIFORNIA - Gay Mexican boobjob computer hippies who really wanna direct. COLORADO - Snow! Cocaine, I mean, but we’re also known for skiing. CONNECTICUT – Great schools, because there’s nothing else to do. DELAWARE – Come, we’ve got low incorporation fees. No seriously, please come. FLORIDA – The further north you go, the further south it gets. GEORGIA – Atlanta! We’re kind of ashamed of the rest of it, though. HAWAII – If you lived here you’d be lazy too. IDAHO – Potatoes and Napoleon Dynamite, god we’re cool. ILLINOIS – Look, a non-corrupt politician for once. So far. INDIANA - You have to drive through us to get somewhere better. IOWA - 56,000 square miles of dull. KANSAS – White-breds making wheat bread. KENTUCKY – Farming from the future, textbooks from 1925. LOUISIANA – Thanks BP, as if we didn’t have enough problems. MAINE – A wicked lot a’ moose, eh? MARYLAND – Have Jeeves bring the lobster boat around. MASSACHUSETTS – Our chief export is obnoxious Pats Fans. MICHIGAN - Cereal makers, serial killers. MINNESOTA - Too nice not to elect douchy governors. MISSISSIPPI – I’m gonna need a bigger Bible belt. MISSOURI - We’re #1! In meth. MONTANA – Speed limits don’t matter when you’re drunk. NEBRASKA – Footballs, drawls and overalls. NEVADA – No laws, no problem! Except all the murders. NEW HAMPSHIRE – Half hippie, half French, all upper class. NEW JERSEY - Guidos, Turnpikes, Leeching off New York and Philly. NEW MEXICO - Like regular Mexico, but with more UFOs. NEW YORK - World’s 14th biggest city, 1st biggest ego. NORTH CAROLINA – First in flight and lung cancer. NORTH DAKOTA – Somehow even worse than South Dakota. OHIO – People care about us at election time! OKLAHOMA - Ten days tornado free! OREGON - Dreadlocks on white people. PENNSYLVANIA – Even our Amish will fight you. RHODE ISLAND - No seriously, we’re a state. SOUTH CAROLINA - Still accepting confederate dollars. SOUTH DAKOTA – At least we’re not North Dakota. TENNESSEE – Where White Music comes from. TEXAS – Everything is bigger, even our morons. UTAH – Multiple homely wives. VERMONT – Gay marriages on maple syrup farms. VIRGINIA – From center of civilization to Hicksville in 20 minutes flat. WASHINGTON - Richer hippies than Oregon. WEST VIRGINIA –The inbred love child of Virgina and DC. WISCONSIN – It’s too cold to be sober. WYOMING – We don’t have any gay cowboys, alright? OK, maybe a few gay cowboys.
